Wednesday, February 17th, 2010...11:14 am
Ten Movie Villains That COULD Actually Defeat James Bond
By Daniel R Deakin
Over the years, British mega-spy James Bond has defeated a plethora of idiosyncratic villains. Some of them weren’t especially taxing, let’s face it the bad guy in Quantum of Solace, Dominic Greene, was no Jaws (RIP Richard Kiel… actually that’s just one of those internet rumours, the 7ft actor is still alive at time of writing). Dominic Greene had all the savagery of a butter knife sanded down to make it even less sharp. What James Bond needs is to meet some real movie villains, and lose. After all, he is 007, so there are at least 6 other MI6 agents that can replace him.
Villain: Hannibal Lecter
Appearances: Manhunter, The Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Red Dragon, Hannibal Rising, Rugrats in Paris (no not really).
Distinctive characteristic: Unable to pronounce “Chianti and fava beans” without making scary noises.
Special skills/weapons: Great chef, handy with knives.
Outsmarted, outwitted and outacted. James Bond has no chance against a man whose sole purpose is to put 007’s kidneys in a pie. Bond never dealt well with psychopaths, occupying himself trying to work out Lecter’s masterplan. Unfortunately, Lecter’s masterplan is to create a pizza topping out of Bond’s fingers. “Anchovies are for the plebs, real patricians dine on digits”.
Film name: The Spy Who Gave Me Gas
Villain: Darth Vader
Appearances: Star Wars episodes I-VI.
Distinctive characteristics: Shiny black helmet, suffers from asthma.
Special skills/weapons: Force power, lightsaber.
This is a real no match. Darth Vader is not James Bond’s father/uncle/neighbour/significant other. There is no holding back for the Dark Lord of the Sith. What use is a Walther PPK against a lightsaber? Not even Bond’s famous resourcefulness is helpful here, there aren’t many speedboats lying about idle on the Death Star.
Film name: That’s No Moonraker
Villain: The Green Goblin
Distinctive characteristics: Goblin glider, pumpkin bombs and being green.
Special skills/weapons: Lots of sneaky projectile explosives and maniacal laugh.
The Green Goblin nearly defeated Spider-Man, and he has special powers. What special powers does Bond have apart from charming the pants off practically every woman he meets and making a mean cocktail? This would be a closer fight though, because the “Gob” is reckless. However, the ending has Bond blown to smithereens with bits of pumpkin ruining his tuxedo.
Film name: You Only Live Once
Appearances: A zillion films, but the best ones are with Christopher Lee.
Distinctive characteristics: Pointy teeth, hypnotic stare, bad breath.
Special skills/weapons: Can turn into a bat… or fog.
James Bond faces off against Dracula and suffers from déjà vu (Dracula looks just like the bad guy from the Man With the Golden Gun). Being over confident, Bond manages to track down Dracula to his coffin thanks to the vampire locator concealed in his watch (thanks Q). Unfortunately, Dracula surrounds Bond with his buxom brides, catching the randy old spy off guard.
Film name: Dracula Scaramanga
Distinctive characteristics: Very tall. Made of metal.
Special skills/weapons: Big metal fists. Many big guns. Basically big.
Really more of a film short than a full feature-length movie. Megatron tricks Bond by turning into a Walther P38 (look it up on Wikipedia). Lulled into a false sense of security, Bond ignores the weapon, even though it weighs 50 tons. Megatron transforms and squashes Bond like a bug.
Film name: From Cybertron With Extreme Prejudice
Appearances: Jaws films, Universal Studios Florida.
Distinctive characteristic: Great white shark.
Special skills/weapons: Swims fast and has large teeth. Can fool Michael Caine (Jaws: the Revenge).
James Bond has famously come up against a “Jaws” before and beaten him. But this time, it’s a hungry and surprisingly intelligent great white shark, not a tall dude with metal teeth and a 70’s haircut. Bond also has experience with dealing with sharks (all part of the recruitment process for SIS). However, this is not a regular shark. This is an angry shark. Great for a cliff-hanger… Bond escapes a boat being attacked by the irritated fish and sets fire to a convenient oil slick, believing he has fried the beast. Canoodling with some random ridiculously named bikini clad girl on the beach, Bond fails to notice the tell tale fin in the water and that this time, Jaws is really angry.
Film name: Fishfinger
Appearances: Smurf “Wanted” posters
Distinctive characteristics: Animated character, always wears black, likes cats.
Special skills/weapons: Evil wizard, magic.
James Bond goes surreal as he attempts to defeat the nemesis of the Smurfs, the evil sorcerer Gargamel (and his smurf eating cat Azrael). A complex movie idea, Bond falls in love with Smurfette, even though she is blue and 3 apples high. Gargamel kidnaps her and gives her to Azrael in a baguette. Bond vents his rage against Azrael by making the evil cat eat apples until it bursts. Broken-hearted and full of angst, Bond is vulnerable to Gargamel, who turns Bond into a pair of slippers and then wears them as he sets fire to the Smurf village. Utter carnage. Just like the 2005 Smurf UNICEF advert (Google it).
Film name: OHMSS On Her Majesty’s Smurfiest Smurf
Villain: Colonel Miles Quaritch
Appearances: Avatar (and the inevitable sequels).
Distinctive characteristic: Surprisingly cool claw scar on face.
Special skills/weapons: Adept with any weapon, really hard to kill.
Possibly the most equally matched villain Bond has to face on this list, but still difficult. Quaritch is a Bond villain in the wrong film. He can happily beat up 10ft blue skinned Na’vi (not related to the smurfs) whilst blowing up basically anything that gets in his way. Bond is way too subtle for this man and is used to villains who have diabolical schemes involving computers and gadgets and lasers etc etc. Looking down the business end of an RPG, Bond says his prayers.
Film name: The Man with the Gigantic Gun
Appearances: Harry Potter Duh!
Distinctive characteristics: No nose, bad temper, not fashionable dresser.
Special skills/weapons: Wand. Loud, explosive and scary magic.
James Bond is hard to kill. But not in this film. Bond doesn’t know his “Avada Kedavra” from his “Expecto Patronum”, leaving Voldemort the easy job of making fireworks out of the suave super spy. Hermione breathes a loud sigh of relief though, she was tired of double-oh 7 asking how old she is.
Film name: Voldemort Never Dies
Villain(s): Sauron, Saruman, Shelob, Witch-King, basically the whole cast of Lord of the Rings who like killing elves.
Distinctive characteristics: Evil, lots of it. Bad teeth.
Special skills/weapons: Swords, spells. The One Ring.
More of a comedy this one. James Bond sees the whole gang of bad guys from the Lord of the Rings coming for him, thinks about standing his ground. However, he sees Christopher Lee again (see Dracula, Scaramanga, every film made since 1896) and runs.
Film name: Middle Earth is Not Enough.