Wednesday, August 26th, 2009...9:56 am

Videogame Bad Guys That Could Have Awesome Political Careers

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Just as the title says, this is a selection of some of the finest undesirables in videogame history and what they would have going for them were they to quit their day job to dabble in things slightly more politically-orientated. It goes without saying that some may view the information contained herein as being spoiler-tastic, so here’s your obligatory [SPOILER WARNING].

Someone you think is awesome but not on the list? Upset I missed out Wesker or Bowser? Feel free to discuss in the comments section!


The G-Man – Half-Life series
Perpetually sporting a crisp suit/tie combo and carrying a briefcase no matter where he goes, Half-Life’s mysterious “G-Man” certainly looks the part. As many will be aware, the G-Man is the sometime-antagonist (his motives remain a mystery throughout the series) that alternatively aids and hinders main character Gordon Freeman’s efforts to do what needs to be done (namely hit stuff with crowbars).

G-Man makes the list because he’s got the look, know-how and skills that would put any current politician or aspiring dictator to shame. He can appear and disappear on a whim, he has “connections” and can get the wheels of any Machiavellian plot turning with little-to-no effort, can operate complex machinery (up to and including nuclear weapons – see Opposing Force). When the G-Man talks, you can be pretty damn sure that everyone’s going to be listening, if not for his creepy voice and elongated “S” sounds, then at least for his uncanny ability to transport you into some weird dimension that appears to consist of only you and him. Oh, he also appears to be able to stop time. Vote G-Man today, lest you be teleported into the midst of an alien horde!


Dracula – Castlevania series
Having roughly a billion instalments in the Castlevania franchise, big bad Dracula is one guy that just can’t be put down. Or stopped. Or killed. He’ll basically keep coming back like those irritating cold calls you get when you’re at home.

Having such a dedicated PR team so that they see fit to resurrect him every 100 or so years is a must for anyone seeking success in politics these days, so not only does he die pretty much all the time, but his team are always there, backing him up. He has speechwriters that conjure up the stuff of legends, he can summon armies of undead so he has recruitment sorted; the guy is even friends with Death, which must come in handy for a politician. As far as a good team, respect and connections go, Dracula certainly has it going for him.


SHODAN – System Shock series
As a pathetic creature of meat and bone, it’s not hard to understand how SHODAN has all the necessary tools to perform her duty as a leader. In the fact that she created the Many to do her dirty work, only to then get someone ELSE to dispose of them when her plans didn’t quite turn out the way she wanted, just like a real politician. SHODAN also sticks to her beliefs, no matter what everyone else thinks of them and she sets herself goals and goes about expending many a resource in order to achieve them. She’s also able to gather followers and recruits seemingly out of thin air and spare parts that happen to be lying around at the time, or even creating new and improved lackeys from previously unusable materials, surely a valuable skill in the politics world?


Lucifer – Ghouls ‘N’ Ghosts
It may have a fond place in the memories of those that used to play it, but have you actually tried playing it lately? That game is damn hard, with a mistimed jump or enemy appearing from NOWHERE causing you much mental anguish and the loss of the few moments of hard work that you spent trawling through one of the many impossible levels the game threw in your direction. The game’s difficulty may have been an initial kick in the teeth, but it wasn’t impossible to rise to the challenge, or even revel in the chance to display some true gaming prowess. However, the real coup de grace, the real ass-bleedingly astonishing stomp on the crotch of gamers would be the fact that the first time you killed what was supposedly the last boss, the game made you play it all over again because it was simply a “trap devisut by Satan”. Bastards.

This cruelty to gamers is one of the main reasons that the boss character (Satan, Lucifer, Weird-Multi-Faced Guy, whatever) deserves to be a dictator. He’s got the credentials, what with having a large number of followers ready to throw their lives away in an effort to thwart their leader’s opponents. The guy also seems to have the leadership experience, to the extent that he was respected enough to have an epic-looking throne made to rest upon as he carries out his nefarious deeds.


Kefka – Final Fantasy VI
The RPG Clown Prince of Crime (also, mass-murder), Kefka has many despotic qualities and achievements already under his belt. Insanity, slavery, murder, delusions of grandeur, nihilistic tendencies, crazy face paint, the poisoning of city water supplies, and then he pretty much becomes a god. In retrospect, a humble political career is way beneath him; he left such lowly positions in the dust with the feats he was capable of.
For the reasons just mentioned, Kefka is a shoe-in for the “greatest despot ever” title, simply because he had the power to do whatever he wanted and to smite those (even if they numbered in the millions) that refused to do as he ordered (which was – in this case – worship him). He was able to get what he wanted, when he wanted it and probably a bit before that. Any successor would have a hard time following in Kefka’s brightly-coloured shoes.


Dragon Ninja – Bad Dudes
“Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?” OK, so the Dragon Ninja might have eventually been defeated by the eponymous Bad Dudes, but had he managed to direct his enthusiasm for wrong-doing elsewhere, he would have made a fine politician.

Look at it this way, like the aforementioned Ghouls ‘N’ Ghost boss, Dragon Ninja is revered enough to have a veritable army of perhaps the coolest things ever: NINJAS. This is a man able to command the respect of the most deadly fighting machine to ever be created: NINJAS. This is a man that has the sheer AUDACITY to use mankind’s foremost stealth force en masse to take over Washington in broad daylight. He knows how to get the ball rolling. By combining the words “Dragon” and “Ninja” – perhaps the two most awesome things ever – into a single entity, that man is thereby infused with the powers of Cosmic Awesome to render his opponents in a stupor, either through fear or awe. Possibly both. Sadly his downfall is assured by someone that is a “bad enough dude”.

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