Friday, April 17th, 2009...3:06 pm
Shrunken Heads, Souls And Nightmares For Sale!
Trawling through eBay, yields some fascinating results, and after reading a few tales of the adventures of other eBay users, I decided to make my own journey through the wild undergrowth that is eBay’s “Weird” section. There amidst the bondage gear and sex toys, I found some truly bizarre auctions that the seller’s seem to think someone is actually willing to buy (and for all I know, perhaps there are indeed people out there willing to shell out cold, hard cash for this stuff). Here I chronicle just some of my findings.
There must be a market for things like this otherwise they wouldn’t make them. I can’t imagine the fun in fitting something that looks like a possible death-trap to your genitalia, but then again, this is the internet.
This lot can make all your dreams come true just so long as all your dreams consist of wishing for a plain paper airplane. But wait, that’s not all, folks, because the seller even includes a paperclip as “an add-on for speed and distance”. Don’t delay, bid today!
Just as it sounds, this is indeed a regular dollar bill that at the time of going to press, has seven bids and has reached the princely sum of…A single dollar. “This is just a fun auction”, the seller proclaims, but I hope by “fun” they actually mean “retarded”.
Lot of 10 Shrunken Heads
The seller states that the heads are made from goat skin and hair, but we all know they’re actually made from the heads of his/her enemies and they’re just trying to appease eBay’s policies, just as how someone selling hardcore bondage gear with razor blade attachments has to clearly state that they are a “gag item”.
Become a Scottish Lord/Lady
You too can become a Lord or a Lady of your very own Scottish estate as this auction is for legal documents entitling you to a piece of land in “the heart of the Highlands of Scotland”. The land, only measures a single square foot (12 inches by 12 inches) however, so it’s not easy to visualize just exactly what you’d do with it. But hey, you can be Lord or Lady Awesome of Awesometown…Or something.
121 Year Old Lost Wiccan Spells
ZOMG look! Actool spellz that r 121 years old!!!!111onefive and they realy wurk! There’s a spell bag thing for each and every occasion! Woo, fun times for all!
A Single Strand of Hair from the World’s Most Perfect Man
If you’ve ever desperately needed just one strand of hair for some reason or other, now is your chance! For the measly price of $10,000 Buy It Now, you can have a strand of hair directly from the scalp of the “world’s most perfect man”. Just so long as your idea of “perfect” means “vaguely resembling a garage folk-band reject”, otherwise you might be somewhat disappointed.
A Genuine Nightmare
This lady is auctioning off her son’s nightmare in order for him to finally be free of it. So this is what a child’s nightmares are filled with: green and blue/purple squiggles (I think the red one is his signature? Or maybe blood). Maybe if you eat the nightmare, you gain the power to control nightmares? That would be awesome.
“Serious bidders only” need apply for this lot of one human soul. The winner will “here bye” own Wayne Loke Jr’s soul, or – as he puts it – he will release “[his] soul to whom holds this contract of [his] soul”. Much like that Simpsons episode.
Dead Mobster’s Pager
I love how this seller turns something he found on the ground into something a dead mobster might have once possessed. *Picks something up from the ground* Holy crap! This might quite possibly maybe once have probably have chance that it could be the discarded Dr. Pepper can of a dead mobster! Buy now, get one free!
Religious Potato Chip
This is “Truely a unique poatoe chip” and the seller is offering it to you at a bargain-basement price! This caught my eye not because of the deep religious symbolism, but because of the seller’s hilariously misplaced enthusiasm and sentence structure. But guys, seeing as how “This Potatoe Chip wasn’t bothered” and is “Seriously, A Cross in a Potatoe chip”, you better make sure you snap up this hot property as soon as you can!
I’m most likely alone on this one, but upon seeing the item description as being a ring that give you EXTREME wealth I envisaged someone skiing down a mountain with an avalanche trailing behind them and all the while there was a steady stream of cash flowing out from behind the person. So, if EXTREEEEEEEEEEME wealth is something you’re looking for, then put on your sunglasses and prepare for the thrill-ride of your life with this auction.
The same seller also offered another ring that enhances the size of a person’s penis. While it took me a while to get over images of EXTREME penis, I was then left mortified by trying to comprehend what “MASSIVE UNLIMITED GROWTH” might mean for someone.