Thursday, November 13th, 2008...5:06 pm
5 Screwed-Up Kid’s Toys From Hell
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By Rassam Fakour-Zaker
Know Your Money Editor
Do you want your child to grow up to be a well-adjusted, emotionally-secure, happy, considerate, compassionate, principled, free-thinking, decent person? If the answer is an emphatic “NO”, then here are a few gift ideas for the coming holiday season…
Kid’s Pimp Costume
Does your son seem like a budding young entrepreneur? Is he a “people person”? Does he enjoy “smacking hoes”? Then why not inspire his inner-pimp with the beautifully-tailored Mac Daddy costume. Your boy will soon be commanding the respect of his peers with unabashed displays of misogyny and materialism. (Note: blinging jewellery, pimp-stick and dirty wad of money not included).
The glorification of pimp culture in our society is a noted problem; considered especially damaging to young children since it promotes distorted notions of sexuality and power and normalises the commodification of people and sex. According to psychologist Susan Linn, co-founder of Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (CCFC), this “normalization of men selling women is terribly destructive to boys and girls.”
However, if you are determined to encourage your offspring’s sex-trafficking aspirations then you can start them off even earlier with a lovingly-crafted blinging pimp pacifier.
Ride-On Humvee
Give your child a head start on the road to environmental ignorance and climate-change denial by buying them a ride-on SUV. Swell with pride as your child confidently drives their militaristic Hummer around the playground while giggling at their wimpy toy-hybrid-driving friends.
Featuring a 2-speed gearbox, 12-inch all-terrain wheels and a fake GPS receiver it looks like the manufacturers have done a good job of replicating the toy’s monolithic, gas-guzzling, real-life counterpart. I’m not sure if this accuracy extends to fuel requirements, but if it does you can expect the 12V battery to burn up the equivalent of Belgium’s annual electricity consumption for every 30 minutes of driving fun.
Perhaps I am being unfair though – since they’ve become such a potent symbol of environmental irresponsibility it’s very easy (and enjoyable and justified) to knock Humvees these days. Therefore, in the spirit of journalistic balance, I should defend this product by pointing out that in an era of endemic child obesity the supersized ride-on Hummer may represent the only practical mobility option for children of ample girth that lack the desire or will to use their legs for peddle-powered alternatives.
McDonald’s Playsets
Can’t be bothered to waste time and money educating your child? Or perhaps you’ve achieved less than you hoped to in life and fear being outdone by Junior? Well, forget buying your child a toy stethoscope or some Meccano – hell, the jumped-up little git might want to become a doctor or an engineer. A wiser option is to start them off with a McDonald’s playset and watch those aspirations plummet in seconds. Just imagine how their face will light up as they make-believe a wonderful day of mind-numbing, low-paid, prospect-free employment.
As discussed in a previous blog, McDonald’s toy products (such as the Drive-Thru Food Cart pictured above) are clear examples of the fast-food corporation’s cynical, and vastly successful, efforts to market their brand to children at an early age. It is a sad fact that many parents and schools tolerate the corporatisation of children’s recreational activities by providing them with toys designed, ultimately, as exploitative marketing tools.
On the plus side, McDonald’s playsets do have the inherent benefit that any accidental ingestion of the toy food is not to be feared since they probably have more nutritional value than a real-life Happy Meal.
Bratz
Many elements of the Bratz phenomenon are open to criticism – from the brand’s shameless promulgation of vapid consumerism to the shocking working conditions previously exposed within their manufacturer’s Chinese factories. However, I’m going to focus on the dolls’ embodiment of our society’s increasingly pervasive and detrimental sexualisation of young girls.
A report published last year by the American Psychological Association detailed the wide-ranging consequences of this trend, arguing that “ample evidence testing these theories indicates that sexualization has negative effects in a variety of domains, including cognitive functioning, physical and mental health, sexuality, and attitudes and beliefs”. In direct reference to the overtly-sexualised clothing sported by Bratz dolls the report went on to express concerns over the “worrisome” association of “an objectified adult sexuality” in a doll designed for preteen girls.
So if you want your daughter to have a low self-esteem and distorted conceptions of attractiveness and sexuality, then get your credit card out and order her a Bratz doll this Christmas – she’ll thank you for it now, but probably not later when she’s racked with insecurities and eating disorders.
The great (and by “great” I actually mean hilariously awful) thing about Bratz is that this twisted sexualisation doesn’t stop with the standard doll products. Hell no – the unsettling aesthetic continues on even more disturbing lines with Bratz secondary products such as the Andalusian Honey Fun Horse. Take a look at that coy pose, doe-like “come-to-bed” eyes, luxurious mane and playfully cocked leg and tell me that that is not a slutty horse.
Clearly dissatisfied with merely helping destroy the self-esteem of a generation of young girls they’re also promoting bestiality. Go Bratz.
Iraq War Military Heroes Playing Cards
A deck of collectible playing cards make an ideal present for a young teenager. Especially when they come fully loaded with right-wing propaganda. Whether it’s Poker or Snap, your son or daughter can celebrate the perpetrators of one of the most controversial wars in recent history as they play with their friends. No doubt they’ll soon dismiss the war’s hundreds of thousands of civilian deaths, the needlessly wasted lives of thousands of military personnel and the subsequent geopolitical turmoil as the necessary, noble acts of a heroic and altruistic administration. They’ll soon be praising the Ace of Spades as a man of vision, compassion and strategic genius.
A “companion piece” to the US military’s Most-Wanted Iraqi playing cards, this product was just one of many attempting to cash-in on the invasion of Iraq. Interestingly, your child could build a house out of these that would probably prove more stable than Bush’s grounds for war.
24 Comments
November 13th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Oh dear god, lol.
November 13th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
God, I thought this would be interesting. Turned out to just be a bunch of left-wing drivel.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Ah, Edward, you are such a Republidiot! A poltroon and a callipygous canard! Get a life, my man. Now that your McCan’t LOST LOST LOST the election and his poorly trained monkey Palin blasted into Stupor-Space, you have to rethink your rigidities.
Have a lovely day filled with Jesus’ love and other rightwing drivel. You’re the best argument for abortion I’ve read in years.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Edward, you think that disagreeing with overtly sexualised children’s toys and shallow marketing efforts by large multinational corporations is left wing drivel? I bet christmas day is a laugh riot in your house.
November 13th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
I KNEW I didn’t want those toys for my kids for a reason! I’ve resisted the pressure to buy a motorized vehicle for my little ones, and Bratz dolls are NOT on my shopping list, despite the pleas. I’ve never seen the other toys, but I wouldn’t want those, either. Sheese- makes you wonder when you see people spend money on this kind of garbage. Maybe our new president will usher in an era of helping others instead of the self-centeredness, exemplified by these toys, that we’ve seen out of a large majority of the public these past 8 years.
Hooray for liberals and all our drivel!!
November 13th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Slutty horse? I don’t buy my daughters Bratz toys yet I don’t see how you could call that horse, or any horse slutty. “Coy pose? Come to bed eyes?” Ya might be stretching it a bit.
How much fuel does a tractor use? If I had sons they would play with tonka, and not be concerned with global warming at such a young age.
November 13th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Jeez, people, get a grip.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Thanks, but I hate republicans only slightly less than I hate democrats, so I certainly don’t care about McWar and his Alaskan gimp. And I’m an atheist, so no jesus fun or whatever strawman you asshats like to dump people who disagree with your pathetic whine page.
I’m not saying these toys are great or there is nothing wrong with them, I’m simply saying that with all the choices in the world you came up with these 5 stupid little toys that are only vaguely offensive if you are a twat who believes that everyone should have the same left-wing values as you.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Thanks for this, what a relief to see others calling out this kind of thing.
Edward: Die!
November 14th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
LOUD NOISES! Angry words!
There, I feel better already…
Also, lulz @ slutty horse.
November 14th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
a list of crap, i get the pimp costume and bratz dolls for what they represent, i get the mcdonalds to a degree, although stating that it is wrong is like stating that having plastic knives all together are wrong because theyt are used in homicide. out of all of these im most annoyed you put a Humvee up there. a kid isnt going to grow up to buy an 80k suv cause he had the toy, if that were true id drive a dodge viper not a aerostar. and if its for the environment you complain, then any toy vehicle that uses gas is to blame, and any adult who buys a car that uses gas is worse off, we knew for over 100 years oil was non renewable and tat it had destructive outcomes, but we did nothing for a long time to fix that, and now that we have alternatives, we still dont us them, cars are the least of our environmental worries, what about little baby dolls, is not over population a growing worry, or having a young child taking care of another young child wrong?
November 14th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Wow everyone, this blog post could have been the opening to a really educational and insightful dialogue about these “toys” and the messages that they send tou our very young children. As an early childhood educator, I see the detrimental effects that uncreative items such as these have on the play of my students and I am combatting those negative effects on a daily basis. Before going off with angry harmful language, please do a little
homework. Susan Linn’s book is a good place to start (Consuming Kids). Others are “Buy Buy Baby” (Susan Gregory Thomas) and “Born to Buy” (Juliet B. Schor). A Wheelock University professor named Diane Levin speaks on this topic as well. Her new book is entitled “So Sexy So Soon”. If you have a sincere interest in the topic that was presented in this post, I highly recommend those books as a good place to start. If you don’t, then you really haven’t accquired the knowledge to leave a reply. Your have the right to, but not the knowledge.
November 14th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
WoW, you people should read your quotes and the heavy handed, self rightousness they and this blog have, if “da oil is gonna kill us den dont drive YOUR CAR” i know i go to bed at night scared of the oil monster and ronald funking mcdonald you fruit cake ass holes
November 14th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
I can’t believe people are so nieve, as to think kids are worried about what they drive.I agree with the Pimp costume and the bratz dolls.the rest is just down right panic of some scare tactic liberals.
November 14th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Jeez….you guys have too much time on your hands. Let kids be kids! They are just toys! This isn’t a political issue….It’s Christmas for crying out loud! Despite who won the election….just cause your child plays with barbies/brats dolls, drives a fake hummer, has a play McDonalds kitchen…doesn’t mean they are going to become a fat, slutty, pimp! Get a grip!!
November 15th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
LOL, what a bunch of hippy BS.
November 15th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
I don’t think the article is meant to be this great social allegory meant to cause such controversy. They’re just little ironic toys that when one takes a step back and looks at them in the current climate of America, the toys are done in pretty poor taste. But if i have to digress so you ignorant motherfuckers hear me, how is the article even remotely offensive to you if you disagree with it. I KNOW you jackasses masturbate to how sarcastic and “edgy” you are because you “call out” us sissy liberals. Dungeons and dragons and being virgins does not put you on some higher pedestal to talk down to people, sorry us faggy liberals believe in change an improvement… pricks
November 16th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
I actually can’t believe any of you are taking this too seriously, or actually getting mad about it- and considerably so. Sammy, you seemed to have it right in the first half of your post, but ya kinda went bonkers in the second half. If something like this gets you people freaked and angry, I’d hate to be around you during a real crisis. To quote my friend Gary from Ireland “Everbody needs to chill the f*ck out!!!!”
November 16th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
since when are war criminals heroes? that bunch in DC should be brought up on war crimes in the world court for crimes against the Geneva convention, torturing prisoners, lying about the war to its citizens and the would. Plus stealing oil from Iraq. The world seems to be led by the nose by the US Government and allows them to commit any crime the government wants. Where is your backbone? As an American I am embarrassed by my Government and shocked that the rest of the world sat by and did nothing to stop them. France was the only one who told them no and they were made the coward. They were the only ones with common sense. When is England going to get a back bone and stop being our lap dog? These cards are nothing more than propaganda teaching a new generation of kids that if you have democracy in your name any crime you commit is okay as long as you do it for democracy.
November 16th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Lefty Drivel, thanks for making me smile.
And for you pea-brained big thinkers who are using the word ‘liberal’ as a criticism, and who are scrying “aww, c’mon, geez, theyrr just toys, lite-en up, cain’t hurt nuthin”, well, try thinking harder: What toys you allow kids to play with do indeed make a difference to their development and all things related (but gee whiz, what do those psychiatrists and all their research know), just as do the books they read – you know, those squarish things with lots of pages on between the front and back covers. Try picking one up some day and reading it, you may surprise yourself and learn something!
November 17th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
ok…pimpin aint easy, especially for a 12 year old. This looks to me to be more of a Halloween Costume than a toy. You may want to have a talk with your kids if they ask for this to go trick or treating. Other than that, I really don’t see any problems with any of the other toys. They look like harmless fun to me. I had transformers when I was a kid and never turned into a alien robot. Kids love McDonald’s and ride on cars. It DOES NOT mean they will grow up to be Donald Rumsfeld. If you are giving a child poker cards as a gift, you probably have many problems that a p/c gift will not solve. The “hero” cards are likely more for adults (I know I had some cards when I was a young teen that featured a whole other series of pictures and were not given to me by any family members) As for the “sexy” horse….you really should not be allowed on any farms or race tracks for at least 5 years
December 6th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Well, I confess my parents got me a Barbiedoll house half a century ago. It was one of those cardboard punch-out and put-togethers. It taught me a fascination with putting things together, Barbie or no.
And a little-blondie-something-or-other kitchen set. Taught me not to put my hand on hot surfaces.
Kids need something to engage their attention. If they’re just learning to stand up, the McMoron’s cooking set might be something they can figure out, so long as there are no pieces small enough for them to choke on or live wires they can electrocute themselves with or sharp edges they can poke themselves in the eye with.
Kids are less susceptible to hypocritical propaganda than you might think. And far more interested in learning new things than us jaded old farts. A coloring book, a plastic tool set, a pot-holder maker, a microscope…. Hells, my little brother was torqued that he didn’t get to help put his own tricycle together.
The powered Humvee will be abandoned in a week. The skateboard or pogo-stick will be used until it’s worn to component molecules.
Don’t judge kids by the standards of people who sit slack-jawed through commercials. To them, the whole world is still new.
March 3rd, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Yeah, I bet every little girl who plays with Bratz will develop an eating disorder and the age of 12.
Yup. Yeah. Totally agree. Agree 110%.
Seriously, dude?
May 6th, 2012 at 2:48 pm
I enjoyed reading the comments as much as your post.
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