While big-time Hollywood studios and investors throw massive piles of cash at CGI-filled shitheaps, many independent and first-time movie-makers are making films on shoestring budgets with a hope of hitting the jackpot. So, perhaps now the economy is screwed and easy credit is but a sad memory we might have the serendipitous pleasure of seeing some new no-budget classics join this list of the 10 most profitable movies ever made (my money’s on the £45 ($75) zombie flick Colin).

[Note on figures: Budgets are estimated/confirmed production budgets (i.e. not including marketing costs, post-production etc). Box office revenues are estimated/confirmed worldwide gross box office sales (thus not indicative of actual net profits or investor returns). All figures collated from various reputable sources including Box Office Mojo, The Numbers and Variety. Films are listed in order of budget to revenue ratio.]

10. Rocky (1976)
Production Budget: $1,000,000
Box Office Revenue: $225,000,000
Budget/Revenue Ratio: 1:225
He may be a champ but the Italian Stallion only just scraped his way on to the list (Halloween’s Michael Myers was slashing at his heels). Written in just 3 days and shot in just 28, cinema’s finest and much-loved underdog sporting movie went on to scoop the Best Picture Oscar and made a star out if its writer/lead actor. It’s a shame that Apollo Creed knocked the talent out of him.

9. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
Budget: $114,000
Box Office Revenue: $30,000,000
Budget/Revenue Ratio: 1:263
George A. Romero’s debut established him as one of the kings of low-budget movie-making and injected new life into a genre that had grown as stale as one of his shambling zombies. A politically sly, magnificently bleak, taboo-breaking and highly influential B-movie masterpiece.

8. El mariachi (1992)
Budget: $7,000
Box Office Revenue: £2,040,920
Budget/Revenue Ratio: 1:292
The inventive cost-cutting tactics that Robert Rodriquez employed to make his debut feature are legendary. Having raised much of the production budget by taking part in medical experiments he rewrote the guerrilla filmmaking rulebook, shooting El Mariachi with just one camera, a head full of inventive movie-making shortcuts and a new set of tits growing on his back. Probably.

Originally intended only for release on the Hispanic home video market, El Mariachi went on to form the first (and best) part of Rodriguez’s increasingly expensive and ludicrous Mexico Trilogy.

7. The Brothers MacMullen (1995)
Budget: $25,000
Box Office Revenue: $10,426,506 (US domestic gross only)
Budget/Revenue Ratio: 1:417
Edward Burns wrote, directed, produced and starred in this critically acclaimed comedy drama about the lives of three Irish Catholic brothers. It seems that Burns kept the budget low by shooting mostly in his family home. And having his characters do nothing more than sit around talking. (This is mere speculation as I haven’t seen it; please let me know if it features any mind-blowing action scenes).

6. Super Size Me (2004)
Budget: $65,000
Box Office Revenue: $29,529,368
Budget/Revenue Ratio: 1:454
About five years ago this image of a gobful of fries framed by a ginger horseshoe ‘tache was almost as ubiquitous as the Golden Arches themselves. A revelatory exploration of the hitherto unknown detrimental health effects of fast food (who’d have thought it?), the rapid word-of-mouth and extensive media coverage led to a super size profit margin for Morgan Spurlock et al, and another PR shitstorm for Ronald McDonald.

5. Mad Max (1980)
Budget: $200,000
Box Office Revenue: $99,750,000
Budget/Revenue Ratio: 1:499
With box office takings of nearly 500 times the production budget, as both movie and investment prospect, Mad Max kicks arse. The groundbreaking success of George Miller’s apocalyptic directorial debut helped put Australia on the cinematic map and launched the career of one of Hollywood’s biggest knobheads. Not bad for a film that was funded largely by the director himself and investments from Australian car mechanics.

4. The Road to Ruin (1928)
Budget: $2,500
Box Office Revenue: $2,500,000
Budget/Revenue Ratio: 1:1000
According to Kevin Brownlow’s exhaustive chronicle of social commentary cinema of the silent era, Behind the Mask of Innocence, this movie, shot on the cheap in ten days, “held some kind of record for its box office success”. Given the figures above (which are backed up by Brownlow’s research), it hasn’t dropped too far down the list - even after 80 years.

In keeping with the exploitation genre’s trashy self-righteousness, the movie itself was a titillating voyeuristic vision of a young girl’s descent from decency into alcoholism, prostitution, abortion and – in the obligatory tacked-on moralistic ending – death. Brilliantly, though banned in some US cities for its lewd content, in others it was shown to children for educational purposes.

3. Deep Throat (1972)
Budget: $22,500
Box Office Revenue: $45,000,000 (US domestic gross only)
Budget/Revenue Ratio: 1:2000
Which brings us nicely to Deep Throat – one of cinema’s most controversial successes. Indeed, its inclusion here is no exception to since the surreptitious nature of the movie’s production, distribution and financing has stirred much debate over definitive figures for its budget and revenue.

Often described, unofficially, as the most profitable movie ever made, some sources, such as the 2005 documentary Inside Deep Throat, put its worldwide revenues at $600m – which would put it way out in the lead in this chart – though such immense figures have been refuted as publicity-baiting exaggeration on behalf of the documentary-makers. Therefore, since I could find no backed-up estimates of its worldwide gross, I’ve erred on the side of caution and used a reasonable estimate of the movie’s US domestic earnings to calculate the budget/revenue ratio - and it still made the top three.

2. Tarnation (2004)
Budget: $218.32
Box Office Revenue: $1,162,014
Budget/Revenue Ratio: 1:5323
Tarnation is a cathartic autobiographical documentary charting the life of Jonathan Caouette and his difficult relationship with his mentally-ill mother. The Cannes Film Festival hit was created from the home videos, photos, answer machine messages and pop culture paraphernalia that Caouette had collected over the years and edited himself using his Apple Mac’s iMovie software. (Though the production budget was credit card-friendly, it should be noted that many sources reported that an additional, and not insubstantial, $400,000 was spent on post-production for the theatrical release).

1.The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Budget: $35,000
Box Office Revenue: $248,300,000
Budget/Revenue Ratio: 1:7094
The only things that stick in my mind about the actual movie are tedious forest rambles and the leading lady’s snot. What I do remember very clearly, however, is the unremitting barrage of hype that turned a resourcefully-produced, no-budget horror into a ground-breaking global hit that went on to make 7,000 times what it cost to produce.

Like many of the movies on this list the marketing costs far outweighed the production budget, but in a shrewd and pioneering move the creators made the internet its publicity bitch, creating its own mythology and stoking online rumour mills. A practice that Hollywood has been milking ever since.

After the astonishing (and entirely fictitious) success of my previous article, 10 Awesome Movies That Should Be Made Into Awesome Video Games – which became an overnight sensation, caused an internet breakdown, garnered several awards and proved instrumental in actually getting seven of the games mentioned greenlit by major developers, I thought I’d follow up with a selection of small screen classics that, similarly, would be in development in a just and perfect world.

Therefore, with many contemporary TV shows having already been half-heartedly adapted into half-hearted games (I’m looking at you Lost: Via Domus), I have trawled through the idiot box’s back catalogue to consider some gems that are truly worthy of a rose-tinted revival on the current generation of games machines. (Please note: I am aware that some of these have appeared as games a long time ago, so get off my back OK?)

10. Quantum Leap
Now I’m not 10 years old, Sam Beckett’s time-travelling antics seem a little too schmaltzy for my, ahem, mature tastes. But the show’s undeniable humanity, entertaining premise and potential for dramatic tension would lend itself well to an old-school adventure game.

Putting you in the shoes of the world’s most magnanimous quantum physicist as he steps into the shoes of other people would offer up a great range of narrative possibilities, and a sharp script and solid acting would provide players with a real emotional incentive to figure out how to put right what once went wrong. Imagine the satisfaction of completing a mission and being enveloped in that familiar incandescent special effect, followed by the disorienting leap into the next precarious situation and the accompanying, eternal utterance, “oh boy”.

9. Clone High
Out of the unadulterated dross that is MTV’s televisual output came this inspired cartoon comedy from the creators of Scrubs, centring on the teenage clones of various historical figures. As is often the case with superior programming (R.I.P. Firefly), it got canned after just one season. So why not resurrect the show via a new medium? Players could take control of their favourite character – nice-but-dim Abraham Lincoln, femme fatale Clepatra or party-boy Gandhi. Imagine Bully but a hell of a lot funnier.

8. Airwolf
The Reagan/Bush era spawned many a rightwing-friendly, military hardware-fetishising, cold-war-baiting TV show. But, dubious politics aside, Airwolf was bloody entertaining. And what with the various Airwolf mods out there for existing games, and the disappointing dearth of helicopter action games on the current generation of consoles, I expect that gamers would welcome a fully-fledged Airwolf game with open, Republican flag-waving arms.

7. Street Hawk
Street Hawk was a blatant cash-in on the Knight Rider/Airwolf formula:

vehicle + weapons + cool title (environment + animal) = 1980s TV hit

Lasting just 13 episodes, however, Street Hawk only enjoyed a fraction of the success. It was still pretty cool though, and, as with Airwolf, recent mods show that there is an audience for a Street Hawk title. Furthermore, when you take into account the fact that gamers haven’t grappled with the motorbike/weapons combo since the Road Rash series went to the big mechanics in the sky, a Street Hawk game seems like a winner.

6. Carnivàle
Carnivàle was dark, mysterious, spellbindingly awesome and, once again, cut off in its prime. The eternal struggle of good and evil set amidst the gothically surreal world of a depression-era travelling circus would make for an immersive video game full of interesting characters and stunning visuals and since the creators said they had several more series’ worth of material this could be an excellent way of concluding the show’s narrative arcs.

5. Aaagh! It’s The Mr Hell Show
This short-lived and shamefully overlooked adult cartoon series remains, alongside the pitch-black Monkey Dust, the finest example of the animated sketch-show form.

Tied together by the exploits of the seditious Mr Hell (voiced to mischievous perfection by the late British comedian Bob Monkhouse), the show featured a roster of hilarious characters including Serge the “fashion industry seal of death” and Champion the Wonder Snail. It would make for a cracking and utterly hilarious third-person platform game in which players traverse the colourful Mr. Hell universe controlling various characters from the series. Probably collecting stuff. Like Super Mario, but more subversive.

4. Run the Gauntlet
I’m not sure if this was aired anywhere other than the UK, but the video above should provide the uninitiated with confirmation of awesomeness. The basic premise of the show was that four national teams (UK, USA, Netherlands etc) competed in high-octane off-road and water-based vehicular races (with some on-foot obstacle course sections thrown in for good measure) featuring an abundance of mud, jumps and wonderfully superfluous pyrotechnics. Imagine that played out in an online multiplayer format. One word: awesome.

3. The Centurions
After US regulations prohibiting children’s programmes based on action figures were lifted in 1983 the shows that have followed have ranged from cynical bollocks (Bratz) to globally-loved classics (Transformers).

The Centurions, which happily sits towards the latter end of the scale, featured three heroes who were not only equipped with bastard-hard names – Max Ray, Jake Rockwell and Ace McCloud – but also the thing which I wanted most in the world when I was 8 years old: Exo-Frames, which are suits with lego-like properties that facilitated the attachment of various pieces of military hardware, specifically tailored to each Centurions’ battle environment of choice: air, land and water.

It is this three-pronged approach which makes a video game adaptation so appetizing. A single-player campaign could have you controlling the Centurion of your choice in solo and team missions, but co-operative play would see the full team choosing their individual Exo-Frame attachments (all variations of which can be seen here), then co-ordinating attacks on three fronts (or if you included characters from the later series’, five fronts). Obviously, careful character balancing and careful mission construction would be vital in order to make each character a viable option. Therefore, like the TV series, most of the action would need to take place near bodies of water – i.e. lots of coastal battles. Or maybe some swimming pool assaults or something.

2. Thundercats
Many of us will have fond memories of watching Thundercats on a Saturday morning, and not without reason: it was pretty bloody good. Forget any forthcoming movie adaptation, I personally think the ultimate Thundercats experience – except for a one-on-one with Cheetara (I know you all agree) – would be to spend hours exploring Third Earth in the Thundertank, kicking the arses of various weird and wonderful creatures with the Sword of Omens, chilling at the Thunderdome and attempting to have Snarf put down.

If developers could do justice to the wonderful Thundercats universe and the cast of memorable characters this could just be the action-RPG that 20-something males didn’t realise they’d been waiting for. Ho!!!!

1. The A-Team
The A-Team was both ridiculously awesome and awesomely ridiculous. Which is why it’s my number one most wanted TV show video game adaptation.

Forget the ill-advised but inevitable “serious” movie version, now is the time for a game that pays homage to the original series: an open-world game in which you, as the A-Team, drive around in your van, picking up missions from 1980s US citizens in their hours of need, all whilst on the run from the police and Colonel Decker. A kind of GTA with added nostalgia, cheesy lines, awesome car chases, ludicrous action and iconic music.

As for the missions, they could be expansive, multi-faceted affairs which follow the storylines from actual A-Team episodes. The sheer variety would be astounding: you’d get to be BA as he steps into the ring in an undercover operation to oust a drug-trafficking boxing promoter, then you could be dishing out some vegetable-flavoured justice to an evil landowner’s goons with a homemade cabbage-cannon, next you might be requisitioning an old tank on a tropical island to turn the tide on a gang of vicious drug dealers. Each episode offers a huge range of possibilities and, what’s more, if the original cast came on board for some voicework success would be guaranteed. I pity the fool who disagrees.

As you can see, I haven’t watched much TV since the early 90s. So if you’ve got any better suggestions let us know.

Since this topic has been blogged to death, I shall avoid the well-trodden Mortal Kombat/GTA/Manhunt route and focus on some of the more interesting and bizarre controversies that have been stirred up by the video games medium from its blocky, monochromatic emergence in the 1970s until… just about… now. (Oh yeah, it’s that fresh).

The entries here cover a wide spectrum of perceived offences – there’s indecency, blasphemy and, of course, good old, reliable violence. Likewise the offending games run the gamut from scapegoated innocents to reprehensible reprobates (though I’ll defend to the death your right to play them).

Death Race (Arcade, 1976)
The world’s first officially controversial video game demonstrates how far the medium has come in terms of technology, but perhaps not in terms of thematic content. Based on the classic cult movie Death Race 2000, the offending game was based around the movie’s dystopian motor sport in which hit and run kills score players extra points.

Despite resembling Pong in terms of primitive graphics and gameplay the US media latched onto Death Race as a symbol of the insidiousness of the new medium. Various newspapers, magazines and TV shows denounced the game as “sick”, but the controversy, as is customary, lead to a significant increase in Death Race’s popularity and, in this particular instance, helped boosted an entire fledgling industry.

Custer’s Revenge (1982, Atari 2600)
Of all the games on this list, Custer’s Revenge is surely the hardest to defend. Players were put in control a naked Colonel Custer (which I’m pretty sure is the inspiration for Cyril Sneer from The Raccoons, go compare the resemblance if you don’t believe me) who must negotiate his way through a barrage of arrows in order to have sex with a Native American woman named “Revenge” who is tied to a post at the other side of the screen.

Women’s groups, anti-pornography campaigners and Native American spokespersons all justifiably denounced the game for its sexually violent and racist content (which the developers predictably denied), court cases ensued and many retailers refused to sell the title. Though generally regarded as a dire game, the reaction, once again, resulted in a commercial success.

Night Trap (1992, Sega Mega CD)
Night Trap is a clear example of the misinterpretation and misrepresentation of video games disseminated by those who do not actually play them and, moreover, have something to gain from whipping up moral panics (i.e. mainstream news media and conservative politicians).

Featuring fully-digitised (but still grainy) graphics, Night Trap, along with Mortal Kombat, was singled out for a lynching by a US Senate hearing on video game violence. The game was decried as “shameful” and “ultra-violent” and, even though the politicians’ misplaced indignation centred around the erroneous fact that it had players trying to kill a group of scantily clad women (saving the women was the game’s actual goal, and the scantiness of their cladding was also exaggerated), blanket media coverage and ensuing public concern ensured that Night Trap was pulled from many US stores.

The Guy Game (2004, PC/PlayStation 2/Xbox)
The Guy Game debacle was the aftermath of a collision between three modern phenomena – namely, low brow games developers, drunken teenagers and a highly litigious society.

The game itself is a turgid trivia quiz party game in which players are rewarded for correct answers with clips of half naked girls on Spring Break – which as far as I understand, as an uninitiated Brit, is a US national holiday during which girls get beered up and wave their tits around (sounds like an average Friday night in the UK).

The main problem was that one of the aforementioned topless ladies claimed that the footage of her was taken when she was just 17 years old, thus negating any consent she gave at the time of filming. She consequently sued the developers and distributors as well as Sony and Microsoft for causing emotional distress and halted sales of the game

Judging by the comments here, many teenage misogynists seemed very upset by this turn of events.

Football Manager 2005 (2004, PC/Mac)
You might think it would be difficult for a footie management sim to upset anyone; but then you probably didn’t take the jolly folks over at the Chinese government into account. They didn’t take to kindly to Football Manager 2005’s developers contradicting their disputed sovereignty over Tibet and Taiwan by including them as separate teams. In order to protect the country’s “territorial integrity” the Culture of Ministry issued a ban, threatening to fine any retailers selling the game as well as any internet provider that let their subscribers download it. Forces of Intolerance: one; Everyone Else: nil (Chinese Football Manager Fans: -1).

JFK: Reloaded (2004, Windows download)
This downloadable title was released by Scottish developer, Traffic Software, a day before the 41st anniversary of the infamous assassination. The game puts player’s control of Lee Harvey Oswald with the aim of recreating the assassination exactly as described in the official Warren Commission report.

Predictably,  JFKR was criticised for turning such a sensitive subject into a piece of entertainment, a spokesperson for the Kennedy family called it “despicable” and, despite the creators’ claims that the game’s main function was as a “mass-participation forensic construction”, many viewed it as a cynical commercial exercise which aimed exploit the inevitable controversy. You can find an in-depth analysis of the game here.

Super Columbine Massacre RPG! (2005, Windows download)
As Danny Ledonne, the game’s developer, posits on the game’s website and in various interviews, the free-to-download SCMRPG was designed as a serious attempt to spur discussion about the horrific events and provide a kind of critical, contemplative experience that no other medium could offer.

Despite the expected outrage of the mainstream media and the game’s forced removal from the Slamdance Film Festival, SPMRPG succeeded in its goal to provoke constructive discussion of the events surrounding Columbine (see the game’s forum) as well as opening up serious debate about cultural attitudes towards video games as a valid form of critique and commentary on real-life events.

Faith Fighter (2008, Windows download/Online)
When it comes to pissing off people via the medium of video games there’s no doubt that Italian flash game developer Molleindustria, creators of the anti-corporate parody Mcdonald’s Game and the Catholic-baiting Operation Pedopriest, are in a league of their own. However, these pioneers surely outdid themselves with the recently banned Faith Fighter, which managed to upset the followers of not one, not two, but every major religion.

The offence was casued by letting players choose a deity from one of the world’s religions to participate in a one-on-one fight to the death. By way of an apology, Molleindustria followed up with a satirically-chastised sequel soon after the ban. But don’t worry: the original can still be found on the web - here, for example.

Baby Shaker (2009, iPhone)
Apple’s iPhone is fast becoming a popular games platform, but this 99-cent addition to the App Store quickly caused controversy upon release. Since Apple have to give the thumbs up to any application (as well as taking a healthy 30% cut) they were in as much hot water as the developer, Sikalosoft. The game was pulled by Apple last week having been on sale for just two days, and they issued an apology the following day stating that it was “deeply offensive and should not have been approved for distribution”.

Six Days in Fallujah (Unreleased, PC/PlayStation 3/Xbox 360)
Basing a video game on an ongoing and highly contentious war was always going to be a direct line to controversy. But the developer, Atomic Games, clearly didn’t expect the controversy to scupper their project before its release. That’s exactly what happened last month, however, when publisher Konami dropped the game after a fierce public backlash.

Once again, this game was being touted as a realistic portrayal of real-life events with US Army personnel involved in the development, but although it reopened the “games can be more than entertainment” debate, reports of regenerating health systems and bombastic Call of Duty-style gameplay left a bad taste in the mouth, with many groups criticising the game for glorifying an unjust war.

Trawling through eBay, yields some fascinating results, and after reading a few tales of the adventures of other eBay users, I decided to make my own journey through the wild undergrowth that is eBay’s “Weird” section. There amidst the bondage gear and sex toys, I found some truly bizarre auctions that the seller’s seem to think someone is actually willing to buy (and for all I know, perhaps there are indeed people out there willing to shell out cold, hard cash for this stuff). Here I chronicle just some of my findings.

Male Chastity…Thing
There must be a market for things like this otherwise they wouldn’t make them. I can’t imagine the fun in fitting something that looks like a possible death-trap to your genitalia, but then again, this is the internet.

Paper Airplane
This lot can make all your dreams come true just so long as all your dreams consist of wishing for a plain paper airplane. But wait, that’s not all, folks, because the seller even includes a paperclip as “an add-on for speed and distance”. Don’t delay, bid today!

Dollar Bill
Just as it sounds, this is indeed a regular dollar bill that at the time of going to press, has seven bids and has reached the princely sum of…A single dollar. “This is just a fun auction”, the seller proclaims, but I hope by “fun” they actually mean “retarded”.

Lot of 10 Shrunken Heads
The seller states that the heads are made from goat skin and hair, but we all know they’re actually made from the heads of his/her enemies and they’re just trying to appease eBay’s policies, just as how someone selling hardcore bondage gear with razor blade attachments has to clearly state that they are a “gag item”.

Become a Scottish Lord/Lady
You too can become a Lord or a Lady of your very own Scottish estate as this auction is for legal documents entitling you to a piece of land in “the heart of the Highlands of Scotland”. The land, only measures a single square foot (12 inches by 12 inches) however, so it’s not easy to visualize just exactly what you’d do with it. But hey, you can be Lord or Lady Awesome of Awesometown…Or something.

121 Year Old Lost Wiccan Spells
ZOMG look! Actool spellz that r 121 years old!!!!111onefive and they realy wurk! There’s a spell bag thing for each and every occasion! Woo, fun times for all!

A Single Strand of Hair from the World’s Most Perfect Man
If you’ve ever desperately needed just one strand of hair for some reason or other, now is your chance! For the measly price of $10,000 Buy It Now, you can have a strand of hair directly from the scalp of the “world’s most perfect man”. Just so long as your idea of “perfect” means “vaguely resembling a garage folk-band reject”, otherwise you might be somewhat disappointed.

A Genuine Nightmare
This lady is auctioning off her son’s nightmare in order for him to finally be free of it. So this is what a child’s nightmares are filled with: green and blue/purple squiggles (I think the red one is his signature? Or maybe blood). Maybe if you eat the nightmare, you gain the power to control nightmares? That would be awesome.

A Soul
“Serious bidders only” need apply for this lot of one human soul. The winner will “here bye” own Wayne Loke Jr’s soul, or – as he puts it – he will release “[his] soul to whom holds this contract of [his] soul”. Much like that Simpsons episode.

Dead Mobster’s Pager
I love how this seller turns something he found on the ground into something a dead mobster might have once possessed. *Picks something up from the ground* Holy crap! This might quite possibly maybe once have probably have chance that it could be the discarded Dr. Pepper can of a dead mobster! Buy now, get one free!

Religious Potato Chip
This is “Truely a unique poatoe chip” and the seller is offering it to you at a bargain-basement price! This caught my eye not because of the deep religious symbolism, but because of the seller’s hilariously misplaced enthusiasm and sentence structure. But guys, seeing as how “This Potatoe Chip wasn’t bothered” and is “Seriously, A Cross in a Potatoe chip”, you better make sure you snap up this hot property as soon as you can!

EXTREME Wealth
I’m most likely alone on this one, but upon seeing the item description as being a ring that give you EXTREME wealth I envisaged someone skiing down a mountain with an avalanche trailing behind them and all the while there was a steady stream of cash flowing out from behind the person. So, if EXTREEEEEEEEEEME wealth is something you’re looking for, then put on your sunglasses and prepare for the thrill-ride of your life with this auction.
The same seller also offered another ring that enhances the size of a person’s penis. While it took me a while to get over images of EXTREME penis, I was then left mortified by trying to comprehend what “MASSIVE UNLIMITED GROWTH” might mean for someone.

We all love a good supercar wreckage, don’t we? Just how we all love to compare car insurance. There’s just something about seeing a car worth an extortionate amount of money smashed into bits at the hands of incompetent drivers. We take delight in the schadenfreude we experience when yet another vehicle that costs as much as a house meets its untimely demise, an occurrence that seems to befall the popular Ferrari brand more so than others, or is at least a widely-reported event when it happens. Here’s a list of seven reasons to maybe run for your life as you see a Ferrari coming.

A baseball coach in Oklahoma though it would be a brilliant idea to lend two Ferraris (apparently he could afford them, as he was a retired neurosurgeon with cheap car insurance) to a bunch of kids from the high school that he was coaching at. Unsurprisingly, it ended up with them trying to park in the same space and without being able to bend space or time, they crashed into each other (so I hope the coach had thought to compare the market. It would be pleasing to report that the coach then had them flayed alive whilst playing really bad German techno, but all the coach did when he showed up at the scene was light a cigarette and comment that “it’s gonna take a lot of homeruns to cover this one up”.

This Ferrari was found on the expressway that connects some provinces in the Philippines. Apparently the particular model of Ferrari the car was (the F430), happened to be prone to a particularly unpleasant engine overheating flaw which would – on occasion – cause a fire in the engine, thus destroying the car (leading to some rather confused insurance people). I’d like to see Marty McFly skate behind THAT. The fool.

Renowned footballing idiot Cristiano Ronaldo thought it’d be hilarious to crash his Ferrari after only owning it for two days, possibly because he just didn’t care, as he’d earn enough for another one in the few seconds it took to walk away from the wreckage and making that ridiculous gesture at the camera, while someone called RAC breakdown or green flag breakdown for him.

Whilst filming for the movie Redline, actor Eddie Griffin decided to try his hand at driving a Ferrari Enzo. Unfortunately for him, his hand wasn’t nearly steady enough and the car smashed right into a wall, much to the disappointment of Jackie Chan. As the car wasn’t his, it seems that Griffin doesn’t really give a damn, so let’s just hope that the actual owner has some damn good insurance like Churchill car insurance or direct line car insurance.

People seem to be determined to crash their Enzos for some reason. Maybe they elicit a certain feeling of satisfaction from the driver as they crumple into useless heaps of scrap? This time, Russian billionaire Suleyman Kerimov had a go at crashing his Enzo into a tree as he attempted to overtake another car, failing miserably.

Charles Lewis, Jr. also known as “Mask” and founder of the TapouT clothing line was fatally injured when his Ferrari collided with a Porsche and then proceeded to hit the curb only to be cut in half by a light pole.

Yet another Enzo was wrecked (jeez, let’s hope they compare car insurance and get some cheap car insurance before hitting the roads) in the famous 2006 crash that took place in Malibu and involved Gizmondo exec Stefan Eriksson. Essentially, Eriksson claimed that a man known only as “Dietrich” was driving the car at the time, as it raced alongside a Mercedes, flew off an embankment, and was completely cut in half and smashed into tiny pieces which were then scattered all over the road.

For decades military R&D types have been desperately searching for the next big thing in “non-lethal” anti-personnel weaponry. From gay bombs to foam guns, every conceivable (and inconceivable) avenue has been explored in the quest to circumvent international human rights laws and rules of engagement in order to exert control and suppress dissent both at home and abroad.

So, the next time the great unwashed masses have the audacity to take to the streets in protest against our benevolent leaders they might find themselves up against some of these little puppies…

Personnel Halting and Stimulation Response Rifle (PHASR)
Not only does the PHASR look suspiciously like something out of the Halo universe but it also has a ridiculous sci-fi-inspired backronymic name. All of which suggests that the geeks at the U.S. Airforce’s Directed Energy Directorate were having a little too much fun developing the weapon rather than considering the shadier aspects of “non-lethal” technology – such as the potential for permanent physical damage or use in torture.

Anyway, according to the New Scientist, the PHASR is a “dazzler” weapon which uses a low-intensity laser to temporarily blind enemies. America’s National Institute of Justice is currently conducting tests and plans to introduce them for use by prison officers and law enforcement agencies.

Police captain to his men: “Everyone, set your PHASRs to “Oppress”, and let’s just hope that these Klingon protesters don’t have access to sunglasses technology”.

Light Emitting Diode Incapacitator (LEDI)
Invented by California’s Intelligent Optical Systems, Inc., the LEDI uses an array of high-powered multi-coloured lights which flash at differing wavelengths causing disorientation, nausea and vomiting for whoever is unlucky enough to be looking at the beam.

It seems that many people have been rather excited about this flashlight-like “Puke Ray” – Time Magazine named it as one of their best inventions of 2007 – and reports indicate that the Department of Homeland Security are hoping to get these into the hands of police, border patrols and National Guardsmen sometime next year.

Whether the LED Incapacitator succeeds in the area of law and order or not, it is likely to become a must-have accessory on the emetophilic disco scene and a surefire hit within the fashion industry as an after-dinner aid.

Active Denial System (ADS)
The ADS is essentially a ray gun that fires high-frequency microwave radiation at a subject triggering pain receptors in the skin to create a sudden, intense burning sensation without actually burning (check out the demonstration videos – note that the test subjects are holding placards…).

Considered by some as the “Holy Grail of crowd control”, ADS weaponry has been in use for some time by the US military in vehicle and airplane-mounted forms but defence contractor Raytheon are currently developing a smaller version for commercial and military use that goes under the focus-grouped, PR-friendly name of Silent Guardian. Sounds like it will come with a tasteful faux-leather holster.

MEDUSA (Mob Excess Deterrent Using Silent Audio)
One of the many “sonic weapons” that are getting rightwing types all juiced up, MEDUSA uses microwaves to transmit painfully-high levels of unpleasant noise directly into the human skull causing discomfort and incapacitation. Bypassing the ear and ear drum, only those directly in the weapon’s beam are affected.

Sierra Nevada Corporation were contracted to develop the weapon by the US Navy, whose early test reports seemed palpably delighted by the idea, and from last year’s New Scientist article it seems that we could see a working MEDUSA gun on the streets as soon as any potential brain damage concerns are adequately dispelled.

Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD)
Originally developed as a navy hailing and warning system, the LRAD is little more than a bloody big megaphone which, although often used in this capacity, is also employed as a crowd deterrent by law enforcement agencies, the military and commercial ships due to its ability to emit sounds at ear-splitting volumes (50 times the human pain threshold apparently). Obviously, if it’s a protest of angry deaf people you’re trying to get rid of you’ll have to just stick to the old reliable batons and riot shields.

Nice to see a sensible name on this one – I’m guessing there were some heated debates in the US Navy’s PR department but LRAD just won out over The Soundsaber or Sonic Blaster or some other Hollywood-esque bullshit.

Distributed Sound and Light Array Debilitator (DSLAD)
As you might have guessed from the name this “less-than-lethal” combines the best of both worlds, using – wait for it - sound and light to immobilize targets.

The DSLAD, which is being developed at the Pennsylvania State University for the US Department of Defense, uses the aural and visual bombardment to cause pain, nausea and, once again, vomiting. Much like a U2 concert.

We all like to bitch about the rubbishness of games based on movies, and with good reason: in order to make a quick buck, idea-deficient publishers seem to have a conveyor-belt of mediocrity that turns every crappy Hollywood blockbuster into an equally crappy (or even crappier) video game.

In the futile hope that my wishes will be made reality, I want to draw attention to some truly awesome movies that deserve to be made into truly awesome games. So clear your mind of the inevitable crapfests of Wanted: Weapons of Fate, Wolverine: Origins and other forthcoming movie games and check out these chunks of prospective brilliance (listed in order of potential awesomeness)…

10. Tremors (1990)

This was actually on the cards a few years ago but was sadly cancelled. Unfortunately, I’m not quite sure how a whole game based around “underground goddamn monsters” would work exactly, which is why it languishes here at the bottom of the list. It would probably have to be a third-person action game with some platforming elements to keep you off the ground and out of the Graboid’s reach.

I’m quite certain, however, that it must have: the choice of playing as Val or Earl, blue pick-up truck driving sections, dynamite, elephant guns, an ass that won’t quit and legs that go all the way up. Well, everything except those last two. That was just a poorly-shoehorned reference to the movie.

9. Serenity (2005)
Forget the long-delayed Firefly MMO which seems as ill-fated as the series it is to be based on, Joss Whedon’s big-screen outing is perfect material for a Mass Effect-style action-oriented RPG. Get Whedon onboard for writing duties and the original cast reprising their roles and awesomeness would be gorram guaranteed.

8. Planet Terror (2007)
This one doesn’t need much justification since Planet Terror’s video game credentials are readily apparent: a kick-arse selection of entertaining expendable characters, an assortment of vehicles, loads of over-the-top weapons, plenty of cannon-fodder bad guys, tongue-in-cheek b-movie sensibilities and a beautiful, machine gun-legged protagonist. A chimp could turn this into a decent game.

7. Equilibrium (2002)
Equilibrium’s inclusion on this list is down to one reason: Gun Kata – a highly improbable but improbably-awesome gun-based martial arts system that maximises a person’s shooting potential whilst minimising their chances of being shot. Invented by the movie’s director, Kurt Wimmer, this unique and visually-impressive ingredient elevates what is essentially a bog-standard chunk of dystopian waffle to somewhere near the realms of awesomeness, and it could easily do the same for a video game if the Gun Kata mechanics were well implemented. At least it would make a change from the various Bullet Time rip-offs that appear in many modern shooters.

Given Gun Kata’s high degree of arm-flailing this could work nicely as a Wii game; although its success would then come down to the movie’s popularity among housewives and 6-year-olds.

6. Predator (1987)
None of this AvP crap. Let’s have a game based on the original Arnie movie set within a huge and varied jungle environment filled with enemy encampments, lush vegetation, massive waterfalls, skinned CIA agents and, erm, vines you can drink from.

Though a single-player campaign could roughly follow the film’s plot – early missions centred around assaults on a guerrilla stronghold, hostage rescues etc, with a steadily increasing predator presence leading to a huge showdown with the extra-terrestrial “ugly motherf***er” – I see the meat of this game being played out in an online squad-based multiplayer in which Dutch and his Special Forces team are pitted against a player-controlled Predator. Arguments over who gets to be Blaine and use the mini-cannon-cum-uber-garden-strimmer, Ol’ Painless, would surely ensue.

5. The Mist (2007)
The single location and eponymous visual shroud of Frank Darabont’s Stephen King adaptation do not make for a rich and varied gaming experience. However, there is one element of the movie that is a veritable goldmine of video game awesomeness: the abundance and diversity of pant-shittingly scary monsters.

Therefore, deviating slightly, I envision a game set just after the events of the movie in which players take control of US army personnel sent in to mop up after the receding mist. Taking cues from the insanely excellent Earth Defense Force - a series which wears its b-movie colours as proudly as The Mist – players face swarming monsters of increasing ferocity and size in various rural and urban US settings with one simple mission: kill the crap out of them. Cheesy dialogue, big guns and overwhelming hordes of huge creatures. Awesome.

4. Mad Max Trilogy (1979, 1981 & 1985)
Just before going to press I discovered that the oft-rumoured game based on the Mad Max world was confirmed recently by the movies’ director George Miller. But since this version will feature a new storyline and mine is based on the original movies I’m sticking it in here anyway.

As the taciturn badass, players drive around an open-world dystopian outback, scavenging fuel, car parts and weapons. Huge car chases and frenetic vehicle-based battles will be par for the course as well as sieges on enemy encampments, gyrocopters and loads of other good stuff. Inclusion of major action scenes from all three films is not entirely necessary as long as the amazing fuel tanker chase from Mad Max 2 (that’s The Road Warrior for you in the US) is present.

3. Escape from New York (1981)
Players take control of modern cinema’s most awesomely-named character, Snake Plissken, dumped into a fully-explorable futuristic New York maximum security prison hellhole (it’s actually meant to be 1997, so not that futuristic) and armed to the teeth with cutting edge 1980s weaponry you have to find the President and get him back to safe ground.

It would work perfectly as an atmospheric FPS, with stealthy bits and tense shootouts; until you actually find the president – then he’d probably be some annoyingly suicidal computer-controlled character who ignores your orders and ends up like JFK every time there’s a firefight.

2. Army of Darkness (1992)
Before Sam Raimi became Hollywood’s bitch he made Army of Darkness, a film of unparalleled awesomeness in which the chinny legend Bruce Campbell is transported back through time to fight an army of the dead in medieval England. Don’t be put off by the movie’s high-minded allegorical deconstruction of the first Gulf War (Ash = US, Bad Ash = Saddam - discuss) for underneath lies a rollicking tongue-in-cheek adventure drawing on sources ranging from Mark Twain to the Three Stooges. Basically, it’s got everything. Plus a hero with a chainsaw for a hand. One of the finest movies ever made (this is an incontrovertible fact, accept it).

Anyway, forget previous games bearing the Evil Dead name, we need – nay, deserve – a fully-fledged AoD game. It would be part Fable with plenty of horseback roaming, carrying out quests for King Arthur/Henry the Red and gathering followers etc, but with a more horror-oriented hack’n’slash focus.

Progressing through the plot quests, one mission would cover Ash’s disastrous attempt to acquire the Necrinomicon, consequently plunging the land into darkness and awakening the Deadites. Hopefully players will have upgraded their shotgun and chainsaw sufficiently to deal out a large dose of quip-filled arse-kicking in the final epic battle as Arthur’s castle is besieged by the Deadite legions.

Groovy.

1. Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
Would John Carpenter’s absurdly enjoyable culture-clash b-movie adventure make the best video game adaptation ever? Well, let’s consider the facts:

First, it’s got an effortlessly engaging protagonist to control in Kurt Russell’s Jack Burton – a character, much like Bruce Campbell’s Ash, whose all-American action-hero persona combines ignorance and arrogance to satirical perfection. Plus a selection of endearing secondary characters to interact with including the idealistic Wang, the ever-inquisitive Gracie and the squinty, oddball sorcerer Egg Shen.

Second, it has a great assortment of eccentric baddies: the Three Storms (ready-made end-of-level bosses), the eyeball creature and the sewer monster as well as freaky badass Lo-Pan and his countless low-level minions.

Third, many of the movie’s myriad action scenes could be directly translated into set pieces: the brothel rescue, the claustrophobic alleyway gang battle, the escape from the underground lair and the epic, acrobatic showdown at the garish wedding ceremony.

And finally, the movie features a weapon set that would ensure plenty of` gameplay variety: swords, hatchets, axes, machine guns, shotguns, magic – the list is endless.

Answer: yeah, probably.

If you’ve got any awesome movie game suggestions that should be on the list then let us know.

Collecting. It’s a bizarre habit, isn’t it? Be it stamps, coins, bottle tops, beer or anything, there is some innate compulsion to amass a set of items that only truly have value to the collectors or to others that share their passion (or are as willing to use their virgin credit card or MBNA credit card). To outsiders, collecting might seem like a pointless waste of time and money, but beauty – as they say – is in the eye of the beholder. Here’s a list of items created with their price tags becoming vastly inflated due to this infatuation the human race has with collecting things. Things that are essentially made as “toys” or “playthings” designed to amuse and humor, yet you would never dare to actually play with or use yourself.

Game Boy – $29,500
In a disgusting display of opulence, yet a fantastic display of retro goodness, Swiss Supply Direct are offering an original Game Boy, but made from 18k gold, with diamonds set around the display screen and in the on/off buttons. Described as being “exceptionally heavy” due to all the gold, just like the buyer’s wallet must be.

PEZ dispenser – $32,200
I recently acquired a Homer Simpson PEZ dispenser, which I found to be quite comical. However, any and all other PEZ dispensers must bow before the 1982 World’s Fair Astronaut B dispenser, which went on auction a few years back. Created as a promotional item and prototype, only two are believed to be in existence (as it never went into production), with the one sold having a green stem with a white helmet on top (fashioned to be like an astronaut’s helmet, hence the name) and another having a blue stem with a matching blue helmet.

Gundam model – $41,500
At roughly 5 inches tall and costing just under $41,500, you would think it was a bit costly for a model of a Gundam robot, but then you might not have noticed that for some insane reason, this particular tiny robot happens to be fashioned from that most decadent of things to fashion small toys from: Platinum. So decadent in fact, that it can only be touched by wearing gloves of the finest velvet, lest it disintegrate into platinum dust. Well no, but smudges from fingerprints must be quite a worry.

Toy car – $72,000
Footballer David Beckham’s son gets to ride around in a “toy” car that costs over $72,000 (so you better break open your cash ISAs to get it, and if you crash it, I’m not sure if more than car insurance will cover it!). The car itself is a scaled down, handcrafted version of a Porsche sports car and it also runs on a diesel engine. I find it somewhat irresponsible to let a child drive a miniature car (that costs more than real cars do) around, as I’m sure even miniature cars can crash and explode.

Teddy bear – $193,000
Manufactured by famous German bear-makers, Steiff, and not covered by any pet insurance policy that we know of, this special bear was created to celebrate the company’s 125th anniversary and as such, only 125 of the bears were made. The bears themselves had a mouth made from solid gold, along with fur made from gold thread, but to top off the luxury, there were precious gemstones such as sapphires and diamonds adorning the eyes, which makes it sound rather uncomfortable to hug, but no one’s going to buy one to hug, are they? Originally selling for about $84,000, due to the limited run they’ve been known to sell for up to $193,000, so you better empty your savings accounts and current accounts if you’re after one of these bears.

GI Joe prototype – $200,000
The rarest and most expensive toy soldier ever to grace the planet, the original G.I. Joe prototype was sold in 2003 to avid collector Steve Geppi. The prototype, made in 1963 by Don Levine, was sophisticated for the time in that it had 21 moving parts and a hand-stitched uniform, as well as being a fore-runner to one of the more successful lines of action figures in history, despite looking relatively freakish and off-putting.

Action Comics No. 1 – $250,000+
Certainly the most expensive comic book around today (so you’d need to be a fan with a pretty full ing savings or abbey savings account, or at least one of the best savings accounts out there in order to procure it) and quite possibly of all time. Action Comics issue 1 is the Holy Grail of comic books for most collectors, simply because this marks the first ever appearance of Superman. Not only does it have Superman’s first appearance, but it also marks the dawn of a new era in comic book history, the birth of the Superhero. Released in 1938, fewer than 100 copies are known to exist today, with even fewer above a CGC grade of 4.0 (Very Good).

T.I.E Fighter prop from Star Wars: A New Hope – $350,000
For a long time, the Darth Vader helmet was number 1 at $115,000, but since last year just before August, we have a new reigning champion when it comes to overpriced movie merchandise. The original T.I.E Fighter prop from the Star Wars movie A New Hope blasts in at a record $350,000 when it sold at auction to one lucky (and rich) bidder.

L’Oiseleur – $6,250,000
It’s hard to imagine a doll costing more than this one does, and you’d have to be the virgin money guy to be able to afford it. In fact, I defy doll-makers out there to make a doll more expensive than this one without resorting to using gemstones, precious metals, or building it inside of the desiccated carcass of Elvis or Jesus. Simply put, this doll is actually more of an automaton, due to how it functions. Translated as “The Bird Trainer”, this is essentially a 4 foot work of mechanical genius, designed by Christian Bailly, a French-born master of machines. When activated, the character realistically plays a flute, mimicking the tune “Marche des Rois” by famous composer Georges Bizet whilst his eyes move from side to side. The character also comes complete with birds that move in time to the tune (with each bird consisting of 62 parts). The doll is made from 2,340 parts and took a team of twelve master craftsmen around 15,000 hours to create and requires no electricity or motor to function, merely the simple winding of a mechanism with a key. So all in all, you’d need to max out not only your halifax credit card and barclaycard, but also your natwest credit card and tesco credit card, and even THEN, you still wouldn’t be able to afford it!

Ever since Haunted House appeared on the Magnavox Odyssey back in 1972, many video game developers have been refining their dark arts in order to create games of increasing complexity and sophistication with one aim: to scare the crap out of us. Recent major releases such as F.E.A.R 2: Project Origin and the imminent Resident Evil 5 suggest that their diabolical digital designs show no signs of abating.

So whether you’re a “lights off, headphones on, come get some-shouting” hard-as-nails type or more of the “hear-the-spooky-voice-on-the-title-screen-and-scream-until-the-police-arrive” variety, it’s time to grab a spare pair of pants and take a look at the top 10 scariest video games thus far (beware: contains mild spoilers and scary words…)

10. Doom 3 (PC/Xbox, 2004/2005)
Upon release Doom 3 was criticised for its cheap scares. Which is well-justified – its limited MO hinges almost entirely on hellish creatures jumping out at you from dark places. Nevertheless, the crude and repetitive scare tactics can’t detract from the creeping sense of claustrophobia and uneasiness emanating thoughout the game’s poorly-lit environments.

Crap your pants moment: Don’t know about you, but whenever I’m walking down a dark corridor in a demon-filled Martian base and a woman’s voice whispers: “they took my baby”… and then everything goes red… and then I hear a baby squealing in the distance, I tend to feel a little uneasy. Maybe it’s just me.

9. Dead Space (PC/PlayStation 3/Xbox 360, 2008)
Much like the Necromorphs that try to eat your face throughout the game, Dead Space resembles a reanimated corpse fashioned from the butchered parts of 20-odd years of sci-fi/horror movies (particularly Event Horizon) and video games (particularly System Shock). Having stolen the best parts, however, its lack of originality becomes rather easy to overlook.

Set aboard a massive spaceship filled with the aforementioned monsters and innumerable flickering light bulbs, Dead Space employs some wonderfully-immersive gameplay features (HUD-less view, real-time user interface), tense atmosphere and superb audio-visual elements to provide plenty of well-choreographed jumps.

Crap your pants moment: Dead Space’s somewhat repetitious use of scare tactics means that it is difficult to pick one defining scary moment. However, the game’s atmosphere is so well-realised that even innocuous sounds – such as the brief static blip that precedes incoming communications from your crew members – can give you a fright.

8. Sanitarium (PC, 1998)
Taking place in an insane asylum filled with wall-butting patients, Sanitarium puts you in the role of an amnesiac who must discover the truth about his identity and incarceration. Despite the clichéd premise, the mysteries of this little-known but much-loved “Point and Click” adventure unravel into a rich psychological horror experience that flits between the ominous gothic asylum, bleak flashbacks from the protagonist’s past and the nightmarish Freudian delusions of his troubled psyche.

Crap your pants moment: OK, not likely to make you soil yourself, but the second level – “Innocent Abandoned” – is probably the most unsettling. Set in a town peopled entirely by weird, deformed children a strange backstory is gradually revealed – little girl with no eyes: “Everything was fine… until Mother arrived”.

7. F.E.A.R (PC/Xbox 360/PlayStation 3, 2005/2006/2007)
By plonking a Japanese horror-inspired malevolent little dead girl into an otherwise standard first-person shooter, F.E.A.R. managed to elicit some fairly effective scares. Alma, the girl in question, is central to the game’s plot and gameplay, popping up now and then to shit you up; and it is her menacing presence that gives the game a pleasingly dark and foreboding atmosphere.

Crap your pants moment: Has to be Alma suddenly appearing over you as you climb down a ladder, then as your heart rate recovers you’re treated to another startling apparition as you reach the bottom. Two scares for the price of one.

6. Siren: Blood Curse (PlayStation 3, 2008)
Originally released in 12 downloadable episodes, the grim and gritty Siren: Blood Curse is easily the scariest PS3 exclusive. The plot sees you take control of several different characters trapped in a zombie-infested Japanese village. With an emphasis on avoidance over confrontation much of the game is spent hiding, running and sneaking around the beautifully-realised and highly atmospheric village. The paucity of weapons creates a real feeling of vulnerability resulting in periods of nail-biting tension as you attempt to elude the undead creatures.

Crap your pants moment: The third, almost unbearably tense chapter which puts you in control of a young girl trapped in an abandoned hospital full of undead nurses with just a torch to aid your escape.

5. Resident Evil (PlayStation, 1996)
Resident Evil, the daddy of survival-horror, pioneered many of the genre’s dubious staple features including dodgy camera angles, awkward controls, puzzle-based progression, fiddly inventory management and shite movie spin-offs. Combine this with the idiosyncratic stop-and-shoot aiming system, terrible dialogue (“Here, take this lock pick. I’m sure that you, the master of unlocking, will make use of it”) and god-awful acting and it all sounds a bit rubbish. But despite – or, in some cases, because of - these features, RE was a truly nail-biting, captivating and entertaining experience.

Crap your pants moment: There’s only one real contender: those bastard dogs jumping through the window. One of the defining moments of the Resident Evil series and the survival-horror genre as a whole.

4. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem (GameCube, 2002)
Eternal Darkness took those Resident Evil-esque elements (dodgy fixed camera, inventory-juggling etc) and added a unique and inventive gameplay system, a Sanity Metre, that measured the protagonists state of mind and altered play accordingly.

As your character(s) encounter the game’s monstrous apparitions, their growing insanity manifests itself in a number of ingenious ways. Bleeding walls and hallucinated enemies may be fairly tame, but some of the more devious insanity effects have you questioning your own actions and even the condition of your TV, giving the horror a more psychological flavour. Nintendo liked the system so much they actually patented video game insanity. Nutters.

Crap you pants moment: When a seemingly innocent, empty bathtub offers a sudden gory vision.

3. Project Zero/Fatal Frame (US) (PlayStation 2/Xbox, 2001)
Taking its visual cues from Japanese horror films, a story from Japanese folklore and the setting from an – ahem – “actual haunted house”, the first of the Project Zero/Fatal Frame series combined effective grainy visuals with a grisly and chilling plot to create a genuinely creepy experience.

Putting you in the sensible shoes of a young schoolgirl (it’s Japanese horror – what did you expect?) searching for her brother in the haunted Himuro mansion, your sole weapon is… a battered old camera – an odd choice maybe, but it’s as good as Proton Pack when it comes to offing ghosts.

Crap your pants moment: The room with the dolls is quite distressing. Especially for this guy.

2. Condemned: Criminal Origins (Xbox 360, 2005)
This impressive Xbox 360 launch title remains one of the platform’s most disturbing games. Eschewing the usual supernatural twaddle which inundates the genre (and ballsed-up the sequel), Condemned opts for a more realistic setting, with players battling inexplicably-homicidal vagrants while on the trail of a serial killer.

While it may be considered something of a PR disaster for the homeless, the guttural, visceral combat – usually of the hand-to-hand or rusty-pipe-to-face variety – and tense, unnerving exploration of various wretched and gloomy environments make it a genuinely unsettling treat for horror fans.

Crap your pants moment: Out of countless potential candidates, the most unnerving moment must go to the pediophobia-inducing abandoned shopping mall level in which the mannequins have a disconcerting tendency to follow you when your back is turned (which can be seen here). Enough to put you off shopping centres for life.

1. Silent Hill 2 (PlayStation 2, 2001)
Like Resident Evil, Silent Hill has had its share of duff sequels and pointless movie spin-offs (only one so far, thankfully); but it’s fair to say that the first three titles in the series make most others on this list look about as scary as your average Wii game. However, due to its unrelentingly tense and oppressive atmosphere and compelling narrative Silent Hill 2 has the edge over the others in the pant-soiling department. Oh, and because of one other significant factor…

Crap your pants moment: Manifestation of the protagonist’s psychological torment or whatever, there is no scarier character in video game history than the iconic, pointy-faced S&M freak with an oversized sword and a penchant for unconsensual monster-shagging known, imaginatively, as Pyramid Head.

To give the uninitiated an understanding of how pant-wettingly frightening this character is all you need to do is imagine something evil and scary – then picture something worse raping it: that’ll be him.

Let us know your definitive pad-in-hand shit-in-pants moments (horror-game-related stories only please, none about dodgy curries and all-night Call of Duty se